So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.
I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.
hows the party?
ists fjcssing insceredle
be there in 10
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
somehow, even strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA can't understand why he'd choose her over me
maybe it's because you talk to strange, drunk, middle-aged men on the RTA
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
I got a blowjob dressed with a t shirt sweatpants and a Fanny pack. Not kidding.
I remember because you made a pirate noise when you came.
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Randomize
