i've never been more proud of someone than i was when he told me he got his first blowjob at age 13...from two chicks
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I know. I almost started crying. IN WHAT UNIVERSE IS THAT A TURN ON?!
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
The key to alley sex is drunkeness.
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
I should know better than to open your texts at the grocery store
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
Randomize
