i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
Well. I had to explain to my niece that the word cunt is not an abbreviation for country. I'm the best aunt in the world.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
I just saw your mom take a body shot off an undergrad, please tell me you're somewhere near by.
You need to go! It’s a midwestern wedding - the single girls out there think life ends at 25 if they don’t have a picket fence and family. That’s when your penis introduces himself
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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