you're bored at work aren't you?
I'm toying with the idea of beating off under my desk
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
If anyone wants to ring in the new year with gluttony and yoga pants, let me know. As soon as it becomes a socially acceptable hour to drink margaritas, I'm gonna go down on a chimichanga.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
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