babies were throwing up all over the place
Welp...herpes.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
She kept screaming "best case scenario"
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
Randomize
