You think the Elephant Man ever tried to pick up chicks claiming all his appendages were elephant-sized?
Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He's ninety percent amazing leader, brother, and teacher, and ten percent unforgivable douche. These are the men I look up to in my life.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
I swear I'm an adult. I say as I send my mom to go find me green lucky charms and lady gaga oreos
Randomize
