I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
After waking up today, I would like to find the Jesus preachers on campus to ask for help in asking for forgiveness to God.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
I may wear a condom to jerk-off tomorrow knowing that my hand has touched surfaces in this bar.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
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