stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
how do you always get into these "we banged the same dude now lets be friends" situations???
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
We damn well better have a snow day tomorrow. We just broke out the rum.
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize
