you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
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and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.
I just had a dream that I was pulling you around downtown on a sled, from bar to bar. Dear lord if we start that there's no hope for us
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
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My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi