last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
It's sad really how 5 am brings with it a distinction from drunken to pathetic.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
So apparently nutella and chocolate body paint aren't actually the same thing.
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
1. Why did we have the team Chirstmas party in November 2. Why didn't anyone tell me the coaches were invited 3. Why did coach get the giant vibrator I brought
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Can I just go to one establishment in which I haven't banged anyone ?