Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
One person in the car. Three blizzards. Alot of judging.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
i mostly like you because you have a nice nose and that's an important trait to pass on to my future children
Your first mistake was thinking that you could get through the day without drinking a single bottle of alcohol. Your second mistake was wearing shark boxers.