i have the same doorman on the day shift as the guyi shacked with has on the night shift. he just laughed at me when i came home this AM. FML
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.
I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
