Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
Will you be my therapist? I don't want to tell me secrets to a strange person and be judged all over again when you have already taken the time to do it. Oh and I will pay you with alcohol
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Is it bad that I have more guilt over drunk eating Doritos than hooking up with my ex's best friend last night?
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
