chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Remind me not to get naked underneath a tree I'm allergic to again.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
I think I was just recruited to join a religious lesbian cult by these 3 really pretty girls and I'm tempted to join
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