Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile
But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.
my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
Im so ripped right now that i just filled the almost empty bottle of choc syrup with milk and drank it straight out of the bottle. It was on pointttttt.
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
He held my hair back for me while i vomited in my driveway last night and i repayed him by farting mid-heave.
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
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