I wanna put my baby in that!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Ew you even made it your fb status
Ppl probably think ur having a kid
I hope
Love having children with random chicks
Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
hes either a crazy bad problem or a crazy good orgasm. I just can't decide which one.
His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina
Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
