I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.
Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.
I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
what you doin?
I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?
reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life
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I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
A guy in a gorilla mask got blown on the lawn. And then the night got weird.
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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