just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
Quick, to the slutcave!
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Dude I sat in the corner of the party bobbing my head and singing danger zone
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Randomize
