I totally ignored my nose and drank sour milk this morning. The tupid carton said 4/22/09. i puked everywhere..
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I just found a voice recording from Tanya's bachelorette party when we found you drunk in downtown being harassed by a crazy dude dressed like a clown and we rescued you. Attached is a voice recording of me interviewing you after we found you. I titled it Carlos Batman.
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
The only way he could ever pleasure me is if he lit himself on fire and let me watch
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
Randomize
