What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
pretty sure I just came the closest to throwing up in my pants that I'm ever gonna get. I'd like to thank the academy and the hangover thatt I hope actually kills me in the morning.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
She's going to hate me
Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.
The rest will just start to agree
There is a midget in cheetah face paint on a leash here
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I mean honestly, what would you have done?
Not screw her in the church house?
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
