A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
please keep texting me so i can pretend someone likes me
My cardio has turned into running out of the cold from bar to bar.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
how do i say "thank you for the blowjob, but never talk to me again" without crushing her?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
