4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
When you're trying to sneak from the bathroom to your room with dildo, but it glows in the dark and suddenly your entire life is illuminated in the shape of dick
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize