well, tey weren't taking lap dances as payment today
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
It doesn't feel like real life when you open your hotel room door and the first person you see is wearing a rabbit costume. I'm too hungover for this.
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
she walked through the crowd, completely naked, slapped a pool attendant in the face and stole the towel he was carrying. she used it to dry her hair.
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
falling asleep on a hardwood floor changes a person
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
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