"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.
we put a pacifier in your mouth because you kept drunkenly singing country music.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
i think i just encouraged him to glue googly eyes to my boobs
But he was still all, "YOU TEXTED TONY WHILE YOU WERE GETTING FUCKED?!" Like THAT was the weird part.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
I woke up naked next to my hot manager. Left before she woke up, and worked an entire shift with her. She has no idea.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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