i just sent this text using only my big toe
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.
Your TV has the DVD menu for White Chicks permanently burned into the screen. I can't anymore. That's just a whole different level that I cannot comprehend.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
He went to WalMart with $30 and came back with a watch, a basketball and an engagement ring.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
My mom just sent me this: "I like Jon, but he needs to be the one going down on you! Yeah, we saw your head pop up in your car last night."
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
Idk man, we spent like 20 mins arguing about the moral ambiguity of fucking in someone else's car
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
