My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
these people use weed stems as birthday cake candles. I'm never coming home
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
Randomize
