so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch
As i looked at his penis, it stared back into my soul. No more drinking games.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Want a slice of this weekend's hottest piece of ass?
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
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