How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
I think I have a pornographic memory.
Don't you mean photographic?
No.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Found your bra
Where?
Hanging in the tree
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
