This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
Beer Popsicles are better in theory
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
