Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I would have been "that girl" at the party last night if it wasn't for that girl who puked in the potted plant...
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
i don't remember going ever taking off my pants but my pubes are shaved into a K and kelsey is passed out in the shower.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I need a good cry or an orgasm and neither of them are gonna happen to me and i'm so frustrated
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
