i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I was passed out in a dog food bowl tor two hours. Just tapped my dinner beer. I love homecoming.
My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Fell asleep with Kristen and woke up with Sarah. It's official, vacation has begun.
L'Shannah Tovah!
Whats that? My new stripper name?
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
I wonder if go pro can customize a cock ring so I don't have to hold the camera anymore
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
I have post one night stand depression
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
