I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
someone needs to name a hurricane after you
Well, I can mark "throwing up in a daycare bathroom due to a hangover" off my bucket list.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
I love the smell of your bedroom. It smells of a mixture of cherries, leather, and unrequited homosexual desire.
i out mim tonsoeep
Our sex sesh was interrupted by a bunch of hobos fighting outside his apartment.
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