thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
Seriously, stop peeing all over the toilet seat. It looks like movie theatre butter.
I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.
it's a Wednesday?
:)
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I don't think I can get drunk, high or horny enough to even consider that
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
Randomize
