My 12 y/o god son's bandmate just asked me to their school dance. Still he's a better catch than the last one...
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
You could sing the national anthem right before we have sex. Make it feel like a sporting event
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
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