I'm pretty sure that he just gave me the ginger disease
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
he told me i smelled like babies and pine needles and he wanted to bathe with me. new boyfriend is not a keeper
What I do when I'm blackout drunk is none of my business.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Randomize
