Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
he left me a 6 minute video of him peeling a clementine listening to justin bieber
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Don't need my thirties to be known as the decade of "new types of shits from drinking" like last night.
You can be responsible and still be on that ho life
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
Randomize
