I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
do you know why "how to shave your balls" is bookmarked on my computer?
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Are we still banned from the library?
I just blew my weed a kiss
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I'm so jealous of your sex life. You know it's awesome when thinking about the sex you had last night brings you tears of joy.
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
