screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
i stuck my finger in my ass and it felt weird. but you know. it should be different when a guy does it right?
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
I mean I'm not gay but a hundred bucks is a hundred bucks
He told me how it ended, then I blew him.
So he ruined the best cinematic experience of your life and you REWARDED him??
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
Well I passed out before 4:20 on 4/20 so I deem it a failure AND a success.
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
Randomize
