He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
oh and i'm sorry i sold you for three cigarettes last night
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've been told that their best stripper is on maternity leave. NEVER AGAIN.
He doesn't drink liquor so instead of doing a body shot off my belly button he dropped water in there and sipped it out with a straw. Look at my face: =|
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
Yeah, sometimes it takes a while to realize, wow you kind of suck and not in the fun way
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
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