you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
When we were finished she immediately got up, cut a star out of a piece of paper, colored it gold, taped it to my chest and deemed me the Sheriff of Sex.
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