Its not alright that i make out with a manican.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
Drunk is not a location!
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
Randomize
