I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
I just googled "whats above a trillion", thats how busy I am at work.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Do you think they make a "sorry in my drunken debauchery I dropped a pumpkin off the balcony and you happened to be standing right there/get well soon" card?
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Its official the day you get back into town we are having a going away to jail party for me. My last wish before prison is to shit faced drunk with you, get into a fist fight, and then cuddle up and fall asleep. Just like old times <3
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Randomize
