They have glow in the dark condoms. That's so scary.
Something like a penis light saber.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Keep in mind this was 2012... YOLO was a very new concept.
I don't need this shit right now. I just woke up covered in pistachios
I supernannyed him into submission
Burnt food and a broken vibrator. Disappointment after disappointment. Is April a man?
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
