Don't make out with my wife yet
You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.
Just rolled up a joint with a cop standing right beside me. He just told us to not leave behind any garbage or empties. God I love canadian camping
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
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