The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro
They usually take it with their boobs. It's like a horizontal motorboat
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Went to a wedding reception last night, came home with a Christmas tree and the rest of the keg
His and hers buttplugs were a resounding success. Tru luv
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I know it's like I wanna bring somebody fun who I haven't drunkenly expressed my feelings for. Or hooked up with. It's a struggle.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Randomize
