how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't been motivated enough for a shirt. And only half the day was bra-worthy.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
you made me suck your tit in the car and kept saying "good boy. I love you so much. good boy."
If more people understood that brunch is at 3pm the world would be a better place because you don't have to wake up early. Breakfast food is important
My parents heard a lamp fall and crash and the dogs were barking like crazy so my mom got up to check. she found you peeing in a corner by the tv. And you kept shhhing her.
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