You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I spent the whole party making out with some guy. He wasn't that cute but six of my sorority sisters are fighting over him so I had to do something..
this year we will have multiple halloween identities. lesbian couple meets brian and stewie
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
My friend had to carry her up the steps on his shoulder, and then she got up, found an ironing board and set it up in my friend's room just in case he needed to iron things.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
He fed me jello shota while i was sitting on the toilet and then he peed in the shower
I love you but this is the first Saturday I have ever spent at the police station. And where are my boxers?
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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