i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
I'm like the kinda excited when David After Dentist stands up in his seat, screams, and collapses
Got so drunk I broke my sink in half. Not. Lying.
Randomize
