worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
sweet and enthusiastic is code for tiny dick.
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
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