wouldve been great, if we lived in constant slow motion cause that shit lasted 30 seconds and half the time he was putting on the condom
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I'm just here to guide your spirit, avoiding herpes is on you though
The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Question for you. Do you want to go out somewhere or do you want to have sloppy joes at my house? That's not a euphemism for anything; I actually have stuff to make sloppy joes
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
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