She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
I do not want to do anything. The words more tequila need to be erased from my vocabulary
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
My alarm went off and I went straight for your dick. That's dedication.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
Her oh Gods turned into oh god I shouldn't be doing this I'm engaged.
Randomize
