Mom and Dad are dead. Trust fund
so far i wrote 500 words for a paper on sean paul performing we be burnin..i can officially do anything on adderral
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm pretty sure ignoring the person that just sent you a picture of their boobs is bad nude etiquette.
Based on the conversation I'm going to assume you didn't close the deal.
It started going awry when I fell through a roof.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
now whenever i pass that house all i can think about is how i pooped in their yard..
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