Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
Waking up to find your mom holding your birth control pills and telling you I suggest you take this
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I rammed pretzels and Jell-O shots down the throats of those I loved.
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
I HAVENT SEEN A PENIS IN 5 WEEKS I REFUSE TO REMAIN CALM
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
He has no idea I'm scrolling through Instagram while he's going down on me. I'm so bored.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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