i'm chasing tequila w mint flavored ice cream, phil's chasing it w cream cheese, bashar's chasing it w pickles...i think we all know who the winner is....
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
so i told her that taking semen on the face helps make your skin smoother.
and?
luckily she was drunk enough to believe she had really bad acne...
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
whatever. i fb stalked him and his pic comments are witty. so i'm going for it.
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
I managed to get through my meeting without throwing up in someone else's office, so there's that for an accomplishment today.
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
You know you've made it in life when the people in the next stall are cheering on your orgasm
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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