Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!
I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
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She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
Yeah. she rolled up to the party on a unicycle then peed in the bushes. TA of the year.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
Don't worry you weren't as drunk as you thought. You only fell 4 times.
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