Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
He had a number 3 tattooed on his penis. And when I asked what it meant, he said " you know like dale earnhardt, the intimidator".
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I swear with his long flowing hair and god-like body he looked like Jesus, a bong hitting Jesus
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
Randomize
