I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Four minutes until I can fart!
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression
nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
THIS IS NO TIME FOR SHAME JOSH. JUST GOTTA GET IT IN. PURELY FOR LEVELING UP PURPOSES
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
He was walking around and kept offering the neighbors flamingo lawn ornaments shots of vodka.
I think you'll appreciate my way of waking up today: Under my cubicle, boxed in by boxes of printer paper, and hung over. I don't even know how the fuck I got in here in the middle of the night. I went to my car and fell back asleep. I'm now 2 1/2 hours late.
Randomize
