yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
Guess who isn't pregnant with a random sex ocean baby?!?!
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
DO NOT THROW SOUP AT YOUR SCREEN
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
